I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
