I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i out mim tonsoeep
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