I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
