I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
