Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Every concussion has its silver lining
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
