as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
