Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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