Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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