I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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