also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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