Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
