Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
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I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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