I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
