Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
