I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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