Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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