So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
