can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
