I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
