So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
