Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
