If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Randomize
