just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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