the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
