I am puke
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
