just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
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