i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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