I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
