On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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