there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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