what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
