Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
