i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
