just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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