i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
