1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
do nipples grow back?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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