just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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