oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
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It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
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He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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