end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
