about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
