It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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