he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize