K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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