we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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