so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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