So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
