I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
This is not my ceiling
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
