It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
