Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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