can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
