remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
not ubering you a puppy
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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