Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
