Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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