i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
