Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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