my mouth tastes like poor choices
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you have to choose: penises or morals?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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