So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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