Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
