is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
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If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
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You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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