I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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