Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
